failed attempt at a love poem

I held light in my hands. Glowing, shining, illuminating every crack and crevice.
It created a halo in the darkness. My heart let it spill in and occupy every fiber of it.
To dance, and sing, and smile all hours of the day. This can only be described as....love.
I heard a voice in my head. Strong, comforting, chasing away every scare and insecurity.
It lulled me to sleep in the middle of the day. My eyes filled with tears and fell to the earth.
To cry, and scream, and curse all hours of the day. This can only be described as....love.
I kissed a shadow. Fake, shallow, unable to disquiet my longing.
To kiss, and hold, and have all hours of the day. This can only be described as.....hahahah really corny!

Dusty door knobs

Unopened doors. The past shut tightly behind them.
Creaky floor boards, hallways leading towards light.
Unopened doors. Oppurtunities behind each one.
Unswearving steps, faithful, sure.
Unopened doors. I'll provide the key.

New song- untitled

First one

Went to Sarah Jaroz's concert last night. The venue was itimate and the band was super laid back. She invited everyone to join in on "come on up to the house" We all sang and clapped. Her music moved people...literally. I couldnt keep myself from swaying back and forth. My face hurt by the end of the night from smiling so much. There was no food allowed in the theatere so I snuck a sandwhich in my purse...I think she saw me take a couple bites actually. The rush of inspiration came on and it was frustrating trying to contain it in that seat, i wanted to jump up and start dancing. Afterwards she came out and signed everyone's (mine too) Cd's. Shes only 20!!! and her fiddle player alex (19) and base player old smitty (17) were some of the most talented musicians ive heard in a really long time. The atmosphere was buzzing, happy smiling people, mouthing her lyrics and hanging on her every word. It was amazing.


My cousin Luke, me and sarah after her show

I sneaked a pic right before the security guard cussed me out and said "No cameras maaa'm!" :P

My great grandmothers

Alma and Alta....they were twins....and from what ive heard...they were amazing women.

Sodom south georgia

I can listen to Sam Beams voice all day.

OH mother

I traveled on a train, a thousand miles away to the town i left behind. The call came in the middle of the night, but the stars were not shining and the moon was dark. The voices bubbled with sympathy, but not understanding. the silence stabbed and the unasked questions accused. The hidden guilt that lay like a brick in the stomach, melted and seeped out. Bags packed and waiting by the door, feet unable to move, heart longing to pretend it never happened, but the guilt kept choking kept drownding me. I stepped onto the soil and the roots of my childhood dug deep into the ground. The flame of memories burning my eyes. Drooping trees and broken buildings called out forced greetings and false hospitatlity. I was unwelcome in the cradle. People stared out from windows, talked in whispers. "Shes back, Shes back." Eyes asking "Why'd she run?" Holding myself back from disappearing. Feet anchored on the ground. The road pleaded me to follow it and never look back. Big white house, shudders cemented shut. Yard unruly how it had always been. Oh mother Oh mother songs swimming through my head, children teasing. The daughter of the town lunatic. Eyes always black with rage and confusion. But mostly love. The love of a mother for her child. Suffocating, hands incapable of caring, mind incapable of understanding. Too much. To run was the only option. Now sleep mother, in the ground where you always used to lie and watch they sky. sleep, in the earth that always dirtied your hands. The smile, sunshine spilling out of your heart. To fly far away from the nest of thorns. Oh mother do forgive, these hands, this mind. I was really the lunatic.

I am a Rock

Simon and Garfunkle

The lyrics:

The meaning:

It's up for interpretation.
My interpretation...
This is
my life
exactly.

My Journey

As of late, i am once again experincing a period in my life where i can go one of two ways.
The dense dark path leading down to the thick gloomy woods looks so appealing, where the safe paved road leading to the open meadow taunts me with the constant reminder that it's the best choice. I would love to walk down the dark path. Lay in the middle of the dirty trail and just cry and wait for time to slow creep by. I would love to get lost in the tangle of giant scary trees and just curl up in a ball and rock back and forth. I would love to close my eyes and see nothing but black, knowing that if i opened them it would be the exact same. I would love to give up.
But i cant. Because the path leading to the meadow is bright and hopeful and promising. It pursuades me with thoughts of running free through the open possibilities and keeping me distracted with flowers and sunshine. It pushes me towards happiness and the guarantee that everything is going to work out fine, everything is going to be ok. That it's worth it. That Im strong. That I can focus on the posotive. I find myself diverting from the dark and into the light.
Suddenly my feet feel weightless im floating along. My spirits are lifted. Im smiling. Everything seems to bright. But in my heart theres a storm a small portion of it that has rotted away. I know it will always be like that until your filling it up again. My mind is a mess but things are getting clearer. I like the path im on. Im going to stay on it. Because it told me thats what best for me.

Change

When you stop and think about it, the course that a person takes is determined by the individuals and significant events that take place in their life time. If we truly look back at all the people that had once touched us so deeply but we had lost connection with, it's enough to make you cry. Two lines crossing eachother, each going a different direction, and different path, but for that small time, when the lines intersected, there was no such thing as coincidences. No such thing as "Fate" it just...happened. We look past these moments, brushing them off with a flick of a hand or a laugh, not thinking about the huge impact that the one moment had on us at one point in our life. When you stop and think about it, change is something nobody can control. The world is constantly changing, people are constantly changing. One day everything can be clear and certain, the next blurry and frustrated. It's human. It's normal. To change, to feel, to accept all the emotions that come with being a human being. To act on these would be foolish, to not act on them would be even more. We have to let them come, settle down in our hearts for a short time, then send them off. To embrace the gut wrenching reality and take it with a poker face would be...lying. Humans lie all the time. Sometimes to protect themselves or others. Sometimes for fun, and sometimes to gain things they could not by being honest. It's one thing to lie to others. But to lie to ourselves? Destructive. Why must we always conform to society and hold back our true selves. many times people will do something great, something different, something that could change their life and the lives of many others, but they hold back, out of fear, out of desperation, out of lack of confidence and faith. They put dreams and hopes on back burners and map out a "plan" that they believe will lead them in the right direction. People are lost.
People have never and will never have it all together. They search and pray and come to conclusions that they believe have taken years to reach. People are...hopeless.
Without a higher power their ants. Walking in a line. Mindlessly fufilling their obligations and duties but never stopping to...jump head first into something completely different. No one has ever been able to just. Let go. Of everything. Completely. It's not possible. To do so would mean... being something else, something other than human. To do so would mean draining out all emotions and just exist. Animals exist. Humans Live.

It aches

This morning I woke up and my heart was literally hurting. Pounding in my chest, it brought tears to my eyes. Last night I layed in bed and thought about everything you and I have been through. How your such a huge part of my life and how I couldn't imagine ever losing you. I thought about our future, our goals, how everything seems so reachable...it's a while away but not too terribly far. I thought about all the days, even weeks, weve gone without takling and how miserable those were. I thought about your parents and how worried I am that they'll dissaprove of...us. I thought about my parents and how although they have good intentions they just dont understand. Their confused and a little bit frightened for me, thats ok, thats their job. I thought about how incredibly happy you make me and how Ive never, and could never love anyone more that I love you. I thought about what would happen if everything fell apart, that made my heart hurt more. I thought, if everything did, I wouldnt know where to go. I'd still serve Jehovah, still go out in service and go to mettings, but I wouldnt be happy. Id be miserable. Im miserable without you. Im scared Monsieur. I really am. Please help show me what we can do. It's up to you. I trust you.